Moi, moi-même et I

My friends call me Beanie. I am a 32 yr old Indian born, New York raised, Wisconsinite. It is strange how I yearn for the touch, to know, to feel and to have someone else feel the same, yet I find it hard to imagine someone else like me out there. I hope not!!! My suffering is enough why wish it on someone else?

I am not much into communities or societies yet I want to belong, make friends, and have acquaintances and be able to keep my distance. I am a chatter box but I know when to stop..know what not to share, can’t have it all disclosed can I? I do feel like I am lost in this world and may be I don’t belong. I feel like I am the rays at dawn and the twilight at dusk…there just for a minute or two and then gone…to wait its arrival again the next dawn or dusk. I am as free as the sand, when molded I can be anything you dream of, when the tides roll in.. I am what I am..free to roam, free to breath and free to be myself all over again.

I don’t like to be the center of attention but I do demand that you pay attention to me when I am in the room. I am a bit narcissistic but not as arrogant as I am thought to be. I could be pompous at times. I love perfection and strive for it to the utmost. I love to laugh and its my strength, but I am a sucker for tears too. I love to watch movies on a gloomy day. I like art films as much as some commercial flicks. When it's raining outside, I put on a clean t-shirt and walk outside just to get all soaked. I have danced in the warm monsoon rains of India and I have soaked in the cool, hard rains of New York. I love it when its rains non-stop, I find it quite wistfully riotous. I love to read and write. I have kept a journal since I was eight maybe ten years old. I almost always get what I want. I will either earn it or have had deserved it.I don't mind second hand smoke, but I try to avoid it. I don't smoke and I don't consume alcohol. However,I have smoked socially and I have experienced alcohol, but never liked it much.

I love my freedom and respect others. My favorite color is Black. I love roses, red roses and Gerber daisies too. I love to garden. It is my escape from the world of war, famine and death. I hate confined spaces, crowds and rooms without windows.
I believe in one God and prefer to call him Allah. Somehow it sounds more respectful..maybe its the letters? I am not religious, but I have faith.

I can't swim yet I love water. Oceans and Rivers, Lakes and Falls fascinates me. I keep my eyes closed on roller coasters. I am afraid of heights but I will never back out of a dare. I hate liers & cynics. I believe in love, but I trust fate to find my destination. I befriend those who live outside "the box". Routine scares me, bores me and I hate routine. I am never organized, but my mess is an organized mess! I procrastinate and that is my folly. When I love its with all my heart and when I hate..believe me you will know. I didn't believe in forgiveness,but with time I have learned to let go...however once you lose my trust..its lost forever. I fear spiders to the max and thus find it strange that from time to time I find myself to be entangled in a web..those that can pry me out can try to untangle the web, though I heed all that may try…you can get caught in the web too!

This is me, call me what you may but know this I am complex, I am free, I am naughty, I am nice and above all, I am human!!

Moi, moi-même et I* means Me, myself & I
*From an older blog