Fireflies....

My soft pillows were beckoning me....

I couldn’t get away from my pc. I couldn’t turn down the music. By now, it had replayed maybe 7 times or so…and I still wanted to hear it more and more and more.
OWL CITY’s fireflies!! This is me, my folly!

Damn this guy is good! I wondered how, when and where did he come up with the lyrics. They hold on, a grasp that takes one to wonderland. I, for a moment was back home in New York…walking the same old street dreaming of things I can’t fathom.
One more time I tell my hubby…just one more! He normally would gripe at it, wanting to get some sleep but today he too is listening to what I was listening. I wonder if he’s lost too…lost in his own World. The places I envisioned the people I missed, the streets I recalled & you…

Nostalgic moods occupy my brain waves these days. It must be these harsh winters of Wisconsin...or just missing my parents..or maybe the fact the my kids don't seem to need me as much. I am officially mum to 2 teenagers & I am still sane!! for now atleast...

Note to self: Buy the Album! Upload song on my iPod!

ma vie s'effiloche

In the depths of my mind
My life unravels slowly
I dream & imagine a story wild
Lest it remains unraveled
Sanity an ordinary thought
A heart wants what it wants
A mind wishes & the heart sways
The saga unfolds as the heart desires

Sleep eludes me & smiles
Sleep beckons me & laughs
I know it’s fruitless
I dream, a dream impossible
My angst, sleep’s ecstasy
I have us to thank
Me myself and I

Translation:
ma vie s'effiloche = my life unravels

Is Mod Se Jaate Hain

"Is Mod Se Jaate Hain
Kuchh Sust Qadam Raste Kuchh Tez Qadam Raahe...
Ye Soch Ke Baithhi Hu Ik Raah To Woh Hogi
Tum Tak Jo Pahonchti Hai
Is Mod Se Jaati Hai"-gulzar

Is mod se jaate hai...I take the same old road everyday to and from work. The trees are getting that early fall color and it's beautiful. I see the same old people running, walking & some even raking the leaves off of their lawns.

I get to and from my destination everyday...but some days I wonder how? I brake for chipmunks, squirrels & even damn birds who fly too low. Once I braked so hard, I almost ended up in the ditch off of S.P Rd! I even hit a deer once, didn't kill it!
Okay, so what is with birds and height? They have the entire sky...but no they seem to be all flocking to die on my windshield!?
On these drives home, I sometimes think of days spent in New York. I even think about the monsoons of Baroda and my terrace! I remember how I used to take my snack..or even my lunch upstairs & eat on the top of the water tank...ahh those were the days!

On other note, am glad that it is cooling down a bit. People tend to shy away from winter weather and cold, I however look forward for the cool, cold & barren days of winter. I see it as another chapter in life. All things must fall to rise again. Must disappear to appear again!

my qualms..

Moonlit sky with clouds of grey
I stare at the stars & back at the moon
They hide & I seek them out
With you a world full of qualm
With him my dreams full of doubts
Where do I go, where do I stay
I am lost, as is my soul
You found me & him my heart!

we talked..

We talked, you and I
We laughed, you and I
I cried, you knew not
I smiled, you pondered

We talked, you and I
We laughed, you and I
You cried, I knew
You smiled, I wondered

We talked, you and I…

shadows...of you and I

I love it when I sit in the shadows of the moon
Thinking of you, thinking of me
I love it when I bathe in the cool spring rain
Thinking of days, days gone by
I love it when I am dreaming
Dreaming of you, dreaming of me
I love it when I rouse looking at you
Smiling at you, smiling at me
I love it when I sit in the shadows of the moon
Thinking of you, thinking of me!

Clouds...

You can tell I was bored on our drive to Milwaukee or was just enthralled by the clouds that day...as always I started snapping away...& here are some of the pictures.

Fields in Winnebago County, WI



Over Lake Butte des Morts

fate

like the waters of a raging river
time passes by never to reappear
you and i too shall pass
dust to dust ashes to ashes
we too shall disappear

25 Random things

I thought I would never, but I faltered and gave in. Someone twisted my arm and I couldn't resist.
So, here goes...

1. I am an emotional fool
2. I love watching baseball & the Yankees are my favorite MBL team.
3. I like it when it rains & I don't own an umbrella.
3. I loved my brother more than he knew. I miss him a lot.
4. I almost always involuntarily make a face when I hear grammar mistakes.
5. I loved physics until Dr. Norman "Bates" Hassel ruined it for me.
6. I am gravely arachnophobic and claustrophobic.
7. I still want to buy a tiger cub & am jealous of Dave Salmoni.
8. I envy people with straight hair.
9. I would rather read a book than go to a bar.
10. I love seafood.
11. I have never consumed pork nor will I ever.
12. I wouldn't mind slapping someones ass if they had a cute butt.
13. I got married at 19 & I would do it all over in a heartbeat!
14. I Love to dance and often do.
15. How much more do I have to write?
16. Music soothes me.
17. I have faith & am a monotheist.
18. My biggest regrets in life are the risks I didn't take.
19. I mix up my W's & V's...1 year in India's to blame!
20. I am happy with just a hug, if you are apologizing.
21. I hate very few and they absolutely deserve it.
22. I do not forgive or forget!
23. I am grateful for my parents and siblings.
24. My world revolves around a chosen few.
25. I am an insomniac.

measure

You on a pedestal
Him in my arms
what is it I want?
what is it I crave?
Why do I crave?
Why do I want?
You on a pedestal
Him in my arms
Can it be love?
Can it be lust?
He is love and you the lust
Him in my arms
& you on a pedestal

for you

a falling star and my wish for you
a broken heart and my tears for you
a steep climb and my hand for you
a deep ocean and my arms for you
a dark night and my eyes for you
you and I one of kind
you and I ever so blind
love's embrace our destiny
our destiny, our demise!

wasted dawn

The sky was beautiful when I woke up earlier today just before dawn. Quite unusual for me to get up that early, but I had the "dream" again...and it made me restless, not to mention Raj wasn't next to me...I can't seem to stay asleep unless he's next to me...need to work on that...even he says that's unhealthy for me...as he anticipates more nights out in the future...or what if he takes a trip to India?? Will work on that...or just opt for sleep aid? huh

Back to the beautiful dawn, the colors were so breath takingly striking that I went looking for my camera....couldn't find it! Nothing new at our household...sometimes I wonder how I can find myself! Missed a beautiful dawn...maybe tomorrow?!

While driving to work, some idiot almost side swiped me near Winneconne & Commercial...really?!!! lately I have noticed more irrational drivers in the valley than ever before...where are all these idiots coming from?

Quilt

Piece by piece he collects us all.
Piece by piece he assembles us all
A cloth of different shades and colors
A cloth of different race and creed
A cloth of love and hate entwined as one
He sits on his throne & admires us all
He loves us all the same for a while
When he gets bored…he shows no mercy
Showers us with his cruelty...
Easy to please, easy to anger
When boredom gets him cornered
Piece by piece he forgets us all
Piece by piece he disassembles us all!!!

mrv 2009©

My Anguish!!!!

there isn't a day that dawns when your thoughts don't cross my mind.
there hasn't been a day that arrives without your presence in my heart.
you, my love have always been there.
you are my torment, my anguish
you are mine, yet we've never succumbed to temptation
i like the walls that stand between us and i hate them too
if these walls were to crumble
you no longer will be mine
my anguish is your thought
my anguish is the distance between us,
it is my prison,my solace.
you, my love have always been there
you, my love are my anguish, my freedom!

mrv 2009©

Calm before the storm

What a deceiving sight we see
‘tis the calm before the storm
It rolls in quietly and cunningly
When it arrives oh! We’ll know
It will be pretty & white
But wait ‘til u step outside
You will slip & slide!


mrv 2009©

Errors….

I did it I confess
U forced me I profess
A mistake is a mistake when left alone
Corrections I will make for you alone!
Your errors are my cloak
I wear it ever so gracefully
For you and you alone
Errors I pledge no more

mrv 2009©
for joe

wish...

Blanket of white covered the night
Through your eyes I see the sight
The Moon the Stars all bright
Wish you were here to ease my plight

Name...my name!!!!

At least five to six times a day I go through the same old routine...
it's M U B I N A!...& I am not a routine type of a person at all. So when I called Pappa Johns earlier today, this is what I went through...


Pappa Johns: Hello Pappa Johns, this is Michael. Can I take your order?
Me : Hi, Mike
Michael: Can I have your phone # and name please
Me: 920-867-5309 and my name is Mubina
Mike: Rubena
Me:NO! M U B I N A as in M as in money...U as an umbrella...B as a boy...I as in...
Michael: Sorry, is it Mubina?
Me: Yes its M U B I N A.!" Thank you
Michael: Thank you. What would you like?

I place the usual order and confirmed the route to our place as we do reside in the boonies. I was told by a quite patient Mike that it would be roughly 45mins..that is to be expected as the weather has been quite nasty lately.

With 45mins to an hour to kill, I was pondering all the different names I have logged on at work. Rob had suggested a list and boy is it ever a list? I have a total of 63 different versions of MUBINA and going. Today, I don't know why but I was furious about the whole not getting my simple name right concept. It has never bugged me before, but today I was ticked off. Arrggg!!! Many people struggle to get my name right the first time. However once they get it right they do not forget it, me or my curls. Interestingly enough, my name means to clarify in Arabic and is taken right out the Quran.

My name is the one thing that I LOVE about myself... it makes me unique! I like it, because it is my identity. It defines me to the core, it is who I am…MUBINA!! So when the pizza guy finally came and on the receipt…it said MOBINA…I let out faint yell, realized what I had done.. apologized and paid him his regular tip. Couple of slices sans the crust later…I wondered what the pizza guy might have perceived my faint yet quite discernible annoyed yell to be? I also made a note to delete the list….

2...

i.
my body your temple
my temple your soul
your soul my destiny
my destiny your soul

ii.
you and i where do we go
you are the moon and I a mere star
for when we collide, it is my demise
my existence is my pennant
your love is my solace
for when we collide, it is my demise

Snow snow snow & then some rain.. :)

Snow snow & more snow…

I woke up to a beautiful blanket of white all over again. The trees, the roof tops & the mail boxes all were breath takingly beautiful. I went a little crazy with my camera again, walked out in my pj’s and started snapping. I wanted to capture all the beauty before the wind blows it all away. As I was trying to capture what may last only a few moments his thought lingered my mind. As if for a moment I wasn’t here, I was somewhere else and suddenly the snow wasn’t snow anymore but rain. Warm summer rains like I used to know of my childhood in India.


I remember the sweet smell of rain that often precedes the warm rains. Up there, on the terrace my world changed. It was mine, with no barriers or limits. I dreamed up there, I lived up here. Time certainly has changed a lot. Instead of rains, I find solace in the snow now and wait for spring to bring in the rains. I still dream but not as much, I long for those lost days when everything revolved around my terrace.

My memories are a bit faded these days, but on certain days they tend to appear out of the blue and engulf my thoughts. I await the rains now; maybe they will release me from this melancholy mood of mine. I have grown up quite a bit since my terrace days, but sometimes the kid in me beckons to be let free. So, today barefoot and barely dressed when I stepped onto the blanket of white, I was taken back for a moment. I was a kid again, in my white sleeveless dress perched up on the water tank to jump into the make shift pool of rain water(used to plug the drainage holes to retain the water), to splash & scream…
rain rain
oh rain do come again
come today, tomorrow and morrow after..

choices

It has been years since they’ve seen each other let alone be on the same continent. Sydney never thought she would love someone so much. Her love for him has transcended marriages, births and decades. It has, and it will until one of them succumbs to the inevitable. She knows, it is wrong! She knows it is insane to think that she can love two and expect to be loved back by both.

A dreamer is what her friends call her. A lunatic...not the kind one commits to the asylums, but the kind one looks for and once in a blue moon you find that lunatic and there you have...Sydney.

A dream is what she thinks he is. Tall, dark and handsome 30 something who knows what he wants and always gets it. He is the kind of man one doesn't expect to find but the shock comes when he befriends you. He is charming, intelligent and funny..and there you have Phoenix.

A gentleman with a halo that never fades or falters. He too is tall, dark and dashingly handsome. Never the one to give in, but always considers others before himself. People flock to him as though he exudes a magnetic force. His love for Sydney is undeniable even when she's no where in sight...and there you have Aaris

She is married to Aaris and she loves him no doubt about it. It is Phoenix she’s always battled with. She has loved him since she can stand on her own. Phoenix knew she loved him and she figured (or thought) he loved her too. Over the years, infatuations came and went by yet Phoenix was a constant.

Aaris’s arrival complicated things a bit, Sydney didn’t understand how she can love another but she knew she just did. Maybe she was scared, maybe she was confused but one day she got enough courage to break all barriers and professed her love to Phoenix. He broke her heart that day.

Years passed by before she ever spoke to Phoenix again. She married Aaris and is quite happy with him. She never spoke of him as much as she used to. She would see him at social events or just around town; there they’d exchange a smile and nods but no conversation. She was busy with Aaris. She had a family now and she was happy, they were happy.

Even though Sydney never spoke of Phoenix, there hasn’t been a moment that has passes by without Phoenix's thought crossing her mind. Aaris knows how much Sydney loves him and he also knows when he married her she brought along Phoenix. Sydney still wonders why Aaris doesn’t get upset about Phoenix, but she also knows that she loves him more than she can ever confess too and maybe just maybe after years with Sydney, Aaris knows she truly loves him.

Where life takes us? We don't know, we can't predict our paths but when we choose those that accompany us it makes it easier to tread those tough roads. Sydney knows that she has Aaris to stand beside and even today she knows if she ever truly needed Phoenix, he would be right there next to her just like Aaris. I guess we never really choose whom we fall in love with, but one thing is for sure, those that you love and those that love you will always stand beside you, no matter what may come.

.......

his thirst her faith
his faith her lust
he smiles, she cries
he lives, she hopes
he dies but once
he lives for lust
lest love live twice
her thirst his faith
her faith his lust
mrv 2009©

A Dream

She walks up to him and smiles. He nudges her and brings her aside. Away from prying eyes and gossips. "Where have you been? I have been waiting for you!" he says. She smiles and runs into his inviting arms; they steal a hug and a faint kiss.
The regular chit chat later, they sneak out hand in hand making sure not to seem so obvious. They get in his Jeep Wrangler and he says, “Where to? She replies, “where the sun sets and the moon rises, where the river meets the vast ocean and where you and I can breathe free" He knows the destination, but for now his cabin over looking the pacific will do.
He watches her as she glides on in; before she can say a word he kisses her again but more fervently, more aggressively. She struggles at first then just succumbs to his passion, her passion.
Their passion is undeniable and unattainable. Before she can open the door and bolt on out into the cold dark night, she kisses his cheek and sheds a tear. He knows he could never take her where she deserves to go. Where she ought to be, where their love could be free of all things worldly. She knows this is just a dream. He knows it is her dream and he is a visitor bound by traditions. It is her dream, and his anguish. A dream of two star crossed lovers, unlike Romeo & Juliet even death can't unite them. As these two stroll in different worlds, one’s a dreamer and the other her dream!
mrv 2009©

mine

you are mine to hold
you are hers to have
what a cruel game we play?
someone’s loss, someone’s gain
what of us? you and i?

déjà vu

you must have heard my thoughts
when you called you knew I knew
i dreamt of you last night
do you dream of me too?

my muse

u r all i know
u r all I crave
u r my soul
soul is all I crave
behave if i could
the world would be at shame
shame what is shame?
i have no shame
u r all I have
forsaken & loved
u r all i have

If he only knew what he means to me, my muse, my torment, my pleasure.

moon

i stare at the moon
does it stare back
he knows i know
do i know?

I sent my soul into the invisible

I sent my soul into the invisible,
Some letter of that after life to spell.
And by and by my soul returned to me
And answered, I myself am heaven and hell.


- Omar Khayyam (Rubaiyat)

Wonder

Wonder,

A garden among the flames!
My heart can take on any form:
A meadow for gazelles,
A cloister for monks,
For the idols, sacred ground,
Ka'ba for the circling pilgrim,
The tables of the Torah,
The scrolls of the Quran.
My creed is Love;
Wherever its caravan turns along the way,
That is my belief,
My faith.

- Ibn Arabi.

Yellow Shutters

It is certainly a deceiving site. Fresh coat of white blanketed the pavements today hiding the menacing stark of slick black ice.

Earlier in the day, commute brought me to an unfamiliar street and I was taken in awe by the yellow shutters of a small quaint pre 70's era ranch. The yellow shutters stood out amid the dull gray of vinyl siding covered in clear icicles and the faint dusting of new snow. Taking a second glance at the yellow shutters, I imagined all it needed was some bright red daisies & green of a freshly cut lawn. One can wish can't we?

I asked the girls of their opinion..and one yelled.."yuck..mum it looks like puke". The joker of our family said.."mamma it would look good if the grass showed and maybe some flowers too"...weird! She's so much "not" like me yet sometimes her imagination beckons me to take a second look at her & say..she's mine and so is "one"!!!